Turning Toward Your Feelings
We all learn early in our lives how to respond to our own feelings and the feelings of those around us. The culture within our families and communities can teach us how to feel about feelings. Sadness? Don’t be sad! Don’t cry! Anger? Oh, relax! It’s not a big deal! You’re over-reacting. Or maybe you were taught to worry in order to be prepared for things to go wrong, creating a false sense of security. We learn through repeated experiences (as well as through the lens of our predisposition inherited by our parents, but that’s a story for another time) that our thoughts and feelings are something to suppress, to turn away from, or to fear. We may have been invalidated as a young person, responded to with discomfort, rage, frustration, or neglect when big feelings came up. We may have observed the people around us experiencing difficulty regulating or experiencing their own inner world. We can become deeply avoidant and sometimes even fearful, of the discomfort that comes with complex feelings. Eventually, we learn effective ways of distracting from those uncomfortable feelings, be it through substances, exercise, perfectionism, anxious planning, avoiding, picking our skin, using our phones, washing our hands, restricting or binging food, and the list goes on.
It’s worth noting that if you’ve experienced trauma at some point during or throughout your life, your feelings may not have been an adaptive or safe experience to lean into, not because they were uncomfortable, but because you were trying to survive. In survival mode, we don’t necessarily have the time, capacity, or energy for the full range of our emotional experiences. This adds complexity to what I’m writing about here, and I want to identify and make space for that nuance.
The kicker: our thoughts and feelings are inevitable, they will always arise automatically and subconsciously whether we like it or not! No amount of therapy, medication, or mindfulness will change this, and there’s nothing wrong with these processes. Thoughts and feelings are not facts, predictions, marching orders, or in any way dangerous. They will not go away, no matter how hard you fight, avoid, or reason with them. In fact, they might even get bigger and louder the more you do. The good news: the way we feel about and respond to feelings is something we learn how to do throughout our lives, is something we can change and do better so not to experience so much avoidance and distress, and can allow us to live in alignment with what matters to us.
So, now what? What does this look like in action? Well, in short, it means we all must decide to turn toward our feelings instead of away from them. In practice, this might look like:
Making more space for thoughts and feelings to come and go, envisioning and practicing a feeling of spaciousness and openness to your inner experiences. Feelings have a life cycle, and they come and go if we can allow them to. Think of a wave: it comes, peaks, and falls.
Accepting thoughts and feelings as they are — do not try to change, reason with, or manipulate them to feel more manageable or less unpleasant. This can prolong the discomfort and create suffering.
Making the decision to do things that matter to us, in spite of the discomfort we may experience, rather than act in ways that maintain a stance of avoidance and fear.
What does it mean to do things that matter to us, even in the face of discomfort? Well, if I let my worries about others judging me keep me at home, that directly conflicts with my values of community and connection. Or if when my partner feels sadness, I get so uncomfortable with their pain that I try to solve the problem instead of validating their experience, I move away from my values of building authentic, safe relationships with those I love. Or if whenever I become stressed, I drink, eat, or exercise to avoid the feelings instead of noticing my inner experiences and allowing them to come and go, I become more and more avoidant of them and become overwhelmed when they arise. That prevents me from being present with myself and my inner world.
Let’s expect that uncomfortable and difficult inner experiences will arise, because that’s life. And if we can label them for what they are (thoughts and feelings) rather than truths, surrender the struggle in attempting to avoid and minimize them, allow ourselves to experience discomfort, and tolerate the uncertainty that it brings, we make more space for flexibility and openness to the fluctuating inner and outer circumstances of our lives.
What we resist will persist. Make some room for your discomfort, remember that thoughts and feelings are not harmful, and take action in ways that bring you closer to what matters to you.
Please reach out to schedule a consultation if this resonated and you’d like to explore this further.